The Best Mixed CD That I've Ever Had
by starrylaa
Summary: One CD, eight songs and a lifetime of memories in between. They find that each song connects the two of them together, but in the end will it be enough to lead them back together? Slightly AU. RayNeela
1. Chapter 1

**The best mixed CD (that I've ever had)**

Author's note: The title is based on the song Mix Tape by Butch Walker. Each chapter is split into the viewpoints of Ray and Neela and I would like to stress they are of different timelines.

_**Prologue**_

From the moment he met her until the moment she left each and every song had been about her. He'd written about women before. Hell, he'd even written about love yet it wasn't until he met Neela that he realised what he had written about was hardly real at all. Real women and real love? He hadn't even been close.

Nothing with Neela was ever easy. They bickered like siblings; she was his best friend. She was scarily organised and tidy; he had yet to find his iPod under all the mess in his room. She'd married a guy who was now effectively dead and compensating by dating another; he'd fallen in love with her a lifetime ago and watched from the sidelines as both their worlds broke down around them. They were two completely different people from completely different worlds; they read each other like a medical journal.

Ray had laughed many times about his predicament- typical of him to fall him love when he least expected it (or wanted it) and typical of him to fall in love with a woman who not only was the antithesis of anyone he had ever gone for, but was completely and utterly unattainable. He could never get her to understand how he felt about her (because he sure as hell didn't understand either) and sometimes her troubled mind drove him to such madness that all he wanted to do was to give up. But if he could make her feel for him for one moment the intensity of what he had felt when he poured his emotions into making the CD he held in his hands, then he wouldn't walk away on this. Not yet.

* * *

As soon as the tears started they wouldn't stop. Body-shattering, earth-wrenching, pain-staking tears that overtook her entire being; her slight form slumped down on the floor, head against the wall, sobs coming so fast she could hardly breathe, her body aching from her emotional and physical pain from her accident. This inability to stop crying, this mis-attempt to regain composure, this need to quench the ache coming from the middle of her chest…this was heart break. This was what it felt like to truly care about someone, so much so they take your heart and shatter it into a million pieces. This is what they meant about the downfalls of love. 

No, she hadn't cried this much when Michael died, or all those many times she had failed in life. Nor did she cry like this is the aftermath of learning about _him_, instead existing in a perpetual state of numbness. It was listening to a CD that she hadn't dared touch until now that had sent her into such a flurry, evoking raw memories of a person she hadn't been able to think about since the day that changed both their lives.

Song after song…memory after memory… After her accident she had found it hard to think about him, every attempt a struggle as she battled against the pain. In the end the memories had swept to the back of her mind, always there, hovering like ghosts but never truly surfacing. Until now. Listening to the CD unlocked the gates into her mind, revealing with startling clarity the memories she had so desperately tried to keep hold of. She remembered _him. _She remembered _Ray._ Her roomie. Her best-friend. The one she loved and the one she had sabotaged any hope to connect with ever again.


	2. Chapter One:For You to Notice

**Track One- For You to Notice**

**A/N: Firstly, thank you to everyone who reviewed, they really put a smile on my face! Secondly, each chapter will have a song based around it and instead of trying to come up with my own songs (which would most definitely be of inferior quality) I've used different artists' songs, but tried not to make it too song ficish. This one is For You to Notice by Dashboard Confessional and was inspired by tenluver's video, which you can find on youtube. I can't seem to find a way of posting the link on here I am afraid. Also, liberties are taken with the plotline as I am not too familiar with seasons 11 and 12 (cannot find full episodes anywhere!) so I guess this makes this slightly AU. Anyway, enjoy this chappie! ********  
**

A world ago he met her for the first time and didn't think much of it.

He'd seen her for all of about five seconds, a small Asian woman talking to Abby, and not once during that brief encounter did it occur to him that he had met the woman who would change his life forever.

The second time he met her he simultaneously pissed her off and amused her; talks of nurses, donuts and missing men, and he had looked on, he had noticed her- a wandering mass of inner turmoil combined with hidden strength.

The third time he saw her he pissed her off.

The fourth time he saw her he pissed her off again.

And by the twelfth time he had truly noticed her, he was unable to escape her wrath or appease her. It annoyed him at first that he couldn't win her over as easily as he could other women, but then it would take him a while to realise that Neela was not just any woman.

He hated the fact that she was always at him, never giving him the chance to do what he wanted and when. Yet after the first time she had yelled at him about letting down little boys and breaking fragile hopes, it wasn't the look of anger that had spurned him to do better; it was the look of disappointment. He'd assumed that like everyone else, Neela did not think he had what it took to be a real doctor. But somewhere along the lines something had changed, she started to encourage instead of scold; smile instead of frown and it was this gradual belief in him that pushed him to be who he could be, seek approval where once there was none.

So it was, the first few words to paper had been easy; the words had practically written themselves:

"_I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head where I would impress you with every single word I said…"_

And for a moment he imagines a world where instead of just respect there is love for Neela, unrequited of course, because that's the rocker way to go.

"_But for now I'll look so longingly, waiting, for you to want me…"_

And he imagines denial, yearning, lust, inner confliction.

"_For you to need me…"_

And then of acceptance, of being there, being needed, that one important shoulder to lean on.

"_For you to notice me"_

He imagines a Neela who looks at him as if he's the only one who matters, whose eyes glint with that all important look- the one that shows she trusts him, needs him, loves him.

"_And I'd be there every time. I'd be there every time."_

He'd be the guy who would be there each and every time her world breaks, comforting her when she's upset and always having the right words to cheer her up.

But this isn't that world and he's pretty sure he's not that kind of guy. He's Ray Barnett "Rock Doc" and he's a lot of things but ready to fall in love isn't one of them. He's not the least bit interested in Neela- they're barely even friends.

Although news is, Neela needs a new place to live and as fate has it, he does have a room to spare…

* * *

Her heart is beating erratically as she sits there waiting and hoping for something to transport her away from this vortex of darkness, and within seconds he answers her, his familiar voice singing out loud, unashamedly. His voice is her lullaby but instead of putting her asleep he's drawing her awake from her hundred year sleep. It's almost as he's talking right to her, it sounds just as good. The first tear trickles down her face. She's listening to her Old Ray and can't believe he's gone. 

The first line seeps in:

"_I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head where I would impress you with every single word I said…"_

And the smile that follows is full of bitterness. She remembers her time of being in hospital, that initial fear as she woke from her coma not knowing where she was and then days on end spent in sheer and utter hell. The physical and emotional pain that she had suffered was immeasurable and she had woken up in the dead of the night on countless occasions screaming for Ray. But he was never there. Abby had answered her plea once. She had seen that something was amiss and figured out the truth about Ray in less time that it took for an intern to figure out how to use a catheter. To see Neela like this was both terrifying and heart breaking and it hadn't taken her long to get hold of Ray to try and amend the situation.

His first words upon telling her that Neela had had an accident were,

"I know, Katey told me." His voice had been gruff and bordering on iciness.

Abby had been confused by this. She hadn't even realised that Katey was in contact with Ray and wasn't even sure what she had told him.

She didn't inquire about it. "She calls out for you," she had said instead. And what she had wanted to add is that Neela needs him and they want him, their Ray back. She wanted to ask him if he was okay (although evidently he wasn't) and tell him to hang on in there, but it was hardly the right time.

And then there was silence on the other end followed shortly by his laughter, full of such bitterness and callousness that she struggled to hold back her gasp of surprise.

"Typical of Neela to mess with my head even when I'm like this," he had bit out sourly. "She made her choice and it wasn't me. I have no _legs. _I have no _life. _I have no-," he stopped what he was about to say. "I have _nothing_, Abby, _nothing. _Nothing- nothing she or you say can get me to forgive her. Not this time." And with that he had hung up.

So with a hollow heart she had walked back to Neela's bedside, anguished at not being able to quench the pain of two of her most important friends. It seemed that two people who could lose so much in such different ways could hurt as much as each other and not even realise it. But there is no "selflessness" in "victim."

"_Would come out insightful, or brave, or smooth, or charming and you'd want to call me…"_

Neela had spent almost five months in hospital. Broken bones, ruptured spleen, punctured lung…diagnoses she had given so often but had hardly stopped to contemplate the pain they might entail. But she'd got through it, hung on by a thread and slowly learnt to crawl her way back. Now she was back to living in Abby's apartment. Learning to walk again was her first task, getting her life back her second and somewhere along the lines trying to build her bridge back to Ray her third. Abby had told her of her phone call to him and it had broken her heart even more, but she didn't blame him for the way he felt. Hell, she was pretty sure she hated herself more than he did. But she'd spent her whole life running away from things that scared her, pushing away things that mattered, lying when she was scared and it had all caught up on her. Played a nasty joke on her that ruined everything and she wasn't going to make the same mistake again. No more running and no more hiding.

The first time she picks up the phone she hangs up as soon as she hears the dial tone. The second time she gets as far as dialling his number before hanging up. The third time she gets his voice mail and she rings it again and again just to hear his carefree voice. By the fourth he gets round to answering the phone and tells her to leave him alone and afterwards she cries, rejection stinging her whole body.

A few days later she writes him a letter but loses the courage to send it and places it in a drawer. She finds his CD in there but it takes a while before she can listen to it, fear of what she might hear holding her back. A week later four more letters are added to the drawer and she brings herself to listen to the CD for the first time.

The first song comes to an end.

"_But for now I'll look so longingly, waiting, for you to want me for you to need me, for you to notice me."_

And afterwards she realises the irony of it all. She'd noticed him for a long time, _that_ she won't deny and longed for him probably just as long although it took an accident and a severe twist of fate to realise it. She's needed him the moment he stepped into her life and now that everything has changed she's the one who has got to do the waiting even though she's not too sure what she's waiting for. All she knows is that she has a CD that's a ticket to her past and a lot of broken pieces to pick up.

She adds another letter to her collection, about first encounters and first impressions and when she truly noticed him. It's covered in tears and she doesn't have the courage to send it. Not today.


	3. Chapter Two: Brown Eyes

* * *

**The Best Mixed CD (that I've ever had)**

_**Track Two- Brown Eyes**_

**A/N: Thanks again for the fab reviews!**

**The song in this chappie is "Blue Eyes" by the Cary Brothers, re-named to "Brown Eyes" because Neela most definitely does not have blue eyes **

**When writing the cookie scene below I didn't realise it was from the episode "Out on a Limb", where we later discover Ray has been "cancelled on" and stays behind to record Celebrity Poker for Neela. I have written the scenes as if they were on different days and didn't want to change it because I quite liked how it was. Anyway, I hope you enjoy and apologies for any typos and such. **

There's a woman in his apartment.

To be more precise, there's a woman in his apartment who has completely devastated his living space. First, she has re-arranged the furniture (without his permission) and done it all in such a way it looked as if it has been feng-shuied (if such a term existed.) Secondly, she had chucked away all the "rubbish" scattered around his apartment. Such "rubbish" included very important sheet music and next week's TV guide. Third, she got through toilet paper at and alarming rate. And fourth (and most definitely worse) she couldn't cook. In fact, she was by far the worse cook he had ever met and now, because of her, he had to take the batteries out of the smoke detector every time she "cooked."

He was ready to give her the boot. Kick her out and let her go and live with Morris. Maybe even Frank. She was a burden, a horror, a catastrophe. His good idea of having Neela living with him was now a very, very bad idea. He wasn't even sure why he thought living with Neela would be a good idea in the first place. Delusions of Neela being an amazing cook and being fun had taken over his mind. But apparently living with Neela was just like living with him mom.

The only thing stopping him from chucking her out was the contentment he got from having her around and seeing her beautiful brown eyes crinkling with mirth every time he made her laugh.

_Brown eyes, you're all that I need…_

A couple of months after she moves in, he tries to think up a cunning way to get her to switch shifts with him.

"We're friends, right?" he asks, plopping down on the sofa beside her.

"That depends," she muses, not taking her eyes off the TV and most definitely not taking his bait. "Are you a Star Wars fan?"

He throws her a weird look. "Is that relevant?"

"Most definitely," she answers coolly. "Your answer dictates the fate of our "friendship"."

"Well in that case I hate Star Wars," he answers rather languidly. In his opinion, Star Wars was for geeks.

She shakes her head. "Then I'm sorry we can't be friends."

"Because I don't like Star Wars?" he verifies.

"No friend of Yoda is no friend of mine," she quips, still not taking her eyes off the TV.

A small smile starts twitching at his lips. "So I guess that means I have to stop braiding that friendship bracelet I was making for you."

"Damn," she clicks her fingers dramatically. "It's a shame; we could have become great friends. I would have even swapped shifts with you when you needed me to." And she looks at him, a big smirk breaking out on her face. He grins too, shaking his head in disbelief.

_You're the sweet to my mean_

He comes back from work one day to find her slumped down on the kitchen floor, arms folded to her chest like a stubborn two-year old. On close inspection there is cooking batter of sort on her face and clothes (and on the oven, the worktop, the walls…) and there is a distinct burning smell in the air.

He kneels down in front of her, partly amused and partly concerned.

He touches her knee and the frown on her face deepens.

"Nee-la," he calls out gently. "What's wrong?"

She refuses to look at him.

"Nee-la," he calls out again, his hand going to her chin and moves it gently so her deep brown eyes are locked onto his.

She sniffs.

"Are my cookies really that bad?" she finally asks, her eyes and voice full of such vulnerability he didn't know she had.

He stops the grin that is threatening to break out on his face. A quick glance to the top of the oven shows a couple of trays of cookies. One is badly burnt and the other looks more like a pile of crumbs than actual whole, substantial cookies.

He struggles to find an appropriate response that doesn't insult her. Immediately, she notices his hesitation and her arms fold even tighter and she looks away again.

He stands up.

"Come on," he says, his hand extending to hers.

"What are you doing?" she asks, suspiciously.

"_We _are going to make the best damn cookies you've ever tasted."

She looks at him incredulously before taking his hand.

Later, when she is beating eggs under his watchful eye, she turns to him.

"I thought you had a date tonight?"

He shrugs. "Yeah, well, she cancelled," he lies.

"Unlucky," she says, choosing not to dwell on it.

He doesn't realise it but it's the first of many lies he will tell her just to spend time in her company.

When the cookies come out golden and tantalising, the smile that follows is just as perfect, and then she laughs, laughs so hard she starts to cry. Maybe, she muses, she isn't such a culinary disaster after all.

_All the lights on you and you are alive_

He watches her from afar as she takes charge of a patient throwing an epileptic fit. He notes her poise and calm attitude as she restrains him. Around her nurses swarm to help, but she is the centre of the show. For a brief moment she looks up and sees him watching, and the quick smile that follows shows off her aptitude and he can't help but feel a surge of pride for her. In his eyes, she is perfection.

_Fess it up, dot on the palm of your hand, I can help you to stand, saved it up for this dance, tell me all the things you can_

The best part of his week is the odd few moments when it's just the two of them, lounging around in _their _apartment and talking endlessly, feeling the satisfaction that she's told him something that no one, maybe not even Michael knows. He's not too sure why he does it, but he shows her a side no woman has ever seen before; it's him, but he's not living life at 100mph, he's slowed right down so he's on par with her and at this pace he doesn't miss a thing. He's already set her high above the others and his mind is struggling for the right reason why; his heart is already there.

What's the difference, he wonders, between Neela and all the women he knows? What sets her apart? Why is it that at the end of a hard day he'd rather enjoy his roomie's company and not that of his lady of the moment? Why is it that when he closes his eyes all he can see are her deep brown eyes just shining and shining and shining?

There's a lot he doesn't understand and Neela Rasgotra is one of them.

The song that pours out after moments spent wondering and other such complexities is about brown eyes and brilliance, the words spinning around in his head demanding to be written. And then afterwards he gets ready for his date with a girl he doesn't quite know the name of, pushing thoughts of Neela and uncertain feelings to the back of his mind.

* * *

The hardest part is learning to pick yourself up when you fall down.

She's dealt with the fall, the pain and above all, the self-pity. You can dig yourself into a hole when you start feeling sorry for yourself. You can delve into it so much you can't get back out again. She builds her hole, but she learns to stop when it gets too deep. She won't let being a victim be her complete downfall. Her road to recovery is a bleak journey. She constantly looks behind her, the temptation to retreat back into her hole, to constantly feel sorry for what she's lost a luring one. But with each step she takes forward, both metaphorically and literally, it's a step away from black holes and dark tunnels.

_Wish enough, wise man will tell you no lies_

There's a song that she constantly listens to, the one that propels her as she learns to walk again. It's about brown eyes and captivation and it's both calming and influencing that as well as finding she can walk again, she's finally learnt how to smile again too. Every time she stumbles, every time she falls, every hard-earned step she makes, it's his song that picks her right back up. He's the one who believes she can do it, and even though he's not there to follow through, she likes to believe that the Ray she knows is out there somewhere, believing in her, she just has to try her hardest to find him and get him back. And every day she vows to do so, she just has to get stronger first.

When the six month mark of both their accidents passes, she wonders if Ray has got prosthetics and if he too is learning to walk again. She imagines both of them going through the same gruelling treatment over and over, except there's mountains and miles between them, where she desperately wishes there was no space in between.

And then there's that one piece of guilt she can't suppress or run away from, the one that follows her wherever she goes: all their pain, all their suffering, it's her fault. The struggle to stop that from eating her up, from falling uncontrollably is her toughest battle and she'll live with it forever.

_Who'd have dreamt of a single tragic scene_

_I want to sing a song with you_

_Be the one who takes it off of you_

Sometimes she wonders what the difference is between Ray and other guys.

The difference between Ray and Michael was that Ray was always there for her and Michael never.

The difference between Ray and Tony was that Ray truly cared about her and understood her like Tony never could.

What's different about Ray? He took her by surprise each and every time and never, ever in a bad way and yet she never got to show her appreciation.

_All the lights on you and you are alive, but you can't pinpoint the way to your heart_

The evening after she has manages to walk a few metres unaided; she lies down on the sofa and writes him a letter about how much she loves the song when an almost forgotten memory comes to her unbidden:

They're lounging on the sofa and there's a news bulletin about somebody who has won $40 million and she turns to him and asks,

"$40 million or true love?"

And he tilts his head in that way he does and thinks for a while.

"Well, let's see. I could buy the best guitar in the world, get the Rolling Stones, The Chillies _and _Guns n' Roses to perform to me live. I can buy an island or several, get as many classic cars as my heart desires and with my status could sleep with as many supermodels as I wanted." He says the last bit with a smirk and in turn she rolls her eyes at his typical male response. "_But,_" he adds. "What's the point in having all that money if you don't have anyone to share it with? After a while the money will get boring and the scene old. There would be nothing genuine left to make you happy. If I had the person I truly loved, she'd make each day worth living for more that any amount of money could."

She hadn't known what had surprised her most, the fact that Ray had revealed himself to be a rather soppy git or yet again he had exceeded all her expectations.

_So sublime when the stars are aligned but you don't know, you don't know the greatness you are_

When she has adjusted to walking almost normally again, she starts being plagued by "What if…?" scenarios and then after a while these too transform into something else. She starts to imagine that if their roles were reversed, Ray would have stopped her from stepping in front of a truck and would have prevented both their worlds being ripped apart. In fact, Ray would have gone after her instead of leaving her in someone else's care after a drunken confrontation. One more step further, she would never have had to compete with the likes of say, Katey for his attention because he would have chosen her in the first place, sooner rather than later.

What's the difference between her and Ray? Ray was a big player but he worked as hard as he did party and when he stumbled across something he liked, he wanted to keep it forever. He had found her and he had wanted her more than anything. He would have stopped his wayward ways and given it all up for her had she wanted, but she hadn't wanted it; she hadn't chosen that path.

The difference between her and Ray was that Ray knew what he wanted and wasn't afraid of getting it. He wasn't afraid of taking chances and the fact that it scared her to do both these things would haunt her always.


	4. Chapter Three: Stolen

**The Best Mixed CD (that I've ever had)**

_**Track Three- Stolen**_

**Apologies for the delayed update. Have been on holiday and busy with uni.**

**Anyway, the song here is Stolen by Dashboard Confessional and I recommend people listen to it if they can, it's my favourite song at the moment and is just beautiful.**

When he realises he wants her it's too late.

She walks up to him in the morning and immediately he can tell something is up. She hasn't started getting ready for work and she's wringing her hands together in a desperate kind of fashion.

"Ray?" her voice is quiet yet demanding of his attention.

He immediately looks up from drying his cereal bowl.

"I have something to tell you."

He raises his eyebrows expectantly and it takes her a while to say what she wants to.

"I'm getting married."

The bowl he's holding drops and smashes on the floor. Neela jumps in shock but he hardly registers it. "Married? To who, Gallant?"

"No, to Tom Cruise." Even when she's nervous she manages sarcasm. "Of course to Michael, who else?"

He struggles to find the right words to say. "When?" and he hopes desperately that her answer is a year or ten.

"Today."

He's pretty sure that if he had another bowl in his hands that would be on the floor by now too. His face contorts into a frown. "When did you decide this? Yesterday?" And he means it jokingly.

She nods.

He gives out a bitter laugh. "Neela, when I said you had to be more spontaneous I didn't mean like this," he says, thinking back to their conversation a few days ago when he had told her that her idea of being spontaneous was having chicken sandwiches instead of her usual tuna. Neela had been indignant that it wasn't the only spontaneous thing she did. Apparently she was right.

"Why so soon?" he demands to know.

"Because it seems like the right thing to do." And even he can tell she doesn't quite believe her own words.

They don't say anything for a while. He's too shocked and she's too anxious, but finally she breaks the silence. "Will you come? To the wedding, I mean. I would really appreciate it if you were there."

And the very words themselves feel like a dagger to his heart.

He nods, slowly at first. "I'll be there. Anything for my roomie," he quips, but the smile that follows doesn't quite reach his eyes.

_We watch the season  
Pull up its own stakes  
And catch the last weekend  
Of the last week  
Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced  
Another sun soaked season fades away_

He stands in front of the mirror analysing the man reflecting back at him. His hair is messed up no matter how many times he tries to tame it. But it's not that which is worrying him; it's the haunted look in his eyes that just won't go away. He reckons it's not something he can get rid of easily. He buttons up his shirt and tries to remember the last time he looked this smart. A small smile tugs at his lips. It was the very first time he met Neela. The smile quickly fades and he gathers himself together. One final look and he's off to his best friend's wedding.

And as he watches the entire ceremony from the sidelines, a song that he wrote for her plays over and over in his head. It fits this scene perfectly and as he watches her, in his mind he's singing words she'll never get to hear.

_Invitation only grant farewells  
Crash the best one  
Of the best ones  
Clear liquor and cloudy eyed  
Too early to say goodnight_

He doesn't hear the vows that Neela and Gallant recite because he's too busy watching her, mesmerised. She's wearing a white sari and beaming with such pride she's achingly beautiful. And as he looks on he thinks back to the exact moment he realised he liked her more than just a friend.

_You have stolen my heart_

He'd invited her to one of his performances and surprisingly she had agreed, even though she wasn't a "his type of music" fan. He was ready long before she was (black shirt, ripped jeans and hair sticking up at all angles-_sorted)_ where as she had practically thrown her whole wardrobe around her room trying to find an appropriate outfit. He had waited uncharacteristically patiently, listening in amusement to such comments like, "Oh God, I look like a bloody Christmas tree" and "Bloody hell I'm dressed like a whore." She'd finally settled on a black off-the-shoulder top, dark blue denim jeans and heels. She'd also gone for the whole smoky-eyed thing look, and in his opinion she looked stunning.

When he was playing on stage his eyes had immediately sought hers, and there she was, centre of the room, watching him with the utmost captivation, big grin on her face. She'd waved and he had nodded in return; his heart beating erratically and it wasn't just because of the music, he realised. It was because of her. Everything about her. And from then on, he'd never look at her the same way again. He had fallen for Neela and didn't have a clue as to how the hell it happened.

_I watch you spin around in your highest heels_

_You are the best one of the best ones_

After the brief wedding ceremony everybody heads over to Ikes for a celebratory drink. Abby pushes the newlyweds to the centre of the room and forces them to dance, their first as husband and wife. The two of them are glowing as they slow dance and Ray immediately thinks back to the very first dance they shared together.

It was after she had seen him play. She had immediately come up to him after his performance.

"You were _amazing!" _she had marvelled. "It sounds nothing like all that noise you make that stops me from sleeping." And he wasn't even insulted by her comment.

At that moment another band starts playing.

"Dance with me?" she pleaded and before he could protest, he'd been dragged out onto the dance floor amid mutterings of hating to dance.

At first he had been uncertain of how to touch her or even look at her, afraid that she'd see right through him and find out she knew how he felt about her. And he couldn't have that. But before he knew it, she was leading the way and he was spinning her around and around and at that moment in time nothing mattered but her.

The scene melts in his mind and he's back to watching the happy couple, perfectly content in every way. He feels his heart rip; like someone is taking a memory that should be his. And it dawns on him: there will be no more hoping, no more wishing and no more dancing.

_You have stolen my heart_

Giving her up felt like the hardest thing he ever had to do.

* * *

When Neela comes home from one of her very first days back at work, Abby hands her a key.

It looks vaguely familiar but her tired can't place it. "What's this for?" she questions.

"That," Abby starts, "is the key to banish your problems."

Neela raises an eyebrow.

"You don't recognise it at all?" Abby is surprised.

Neela looks at it and searches through the thick cobwebs of her mind for an answer.

Hey eyes widen in surprise. "It's my old apartment key." She doesn't recognise it without its keyring.

Abby nods, a small smile creeping upon her face.

"But I thought the apartment was up for lease?"

"Nobody wanted it."

Neela looks at Abby and then looks at the key and back to Abby again. "I don't understand."

"Let's just say you have some good friends who care way too much about you to let something important to you fall away."

Neela is rendered speechless and it's a while before she goes over to hug Abby.

"You really are brilliant," she enthuses.

Abby hugs her back tightly. "You go over to the apartment, do a little bit of soul searching. Maybe that will allow you to finally go and see Ray."

When Neela opens the door to her old apartment, she realises it has been a long time since her accident. Nine months too long and nine months since she had told Ray she'd see him. She's just never felt ready and somehow, amongst the hurt and the pain, she doesn't think she'll ever be.

_Before the gold and the glimmer fades away_

_Another sun soaked season takes it place_

It's cold in the apartment. Bitterly cold. Neela struggles to switch on the light and when she does, the light that falls on the place isn't enough to drain away the darkness. She never thought their- his- (_who's_?) apartment would ever feel this cold, or be this dark or seem so unwelcome.

She takes a few steps in and shuts the door behind her, immediately wishing she had brought Abby, but this was something she had to do by herself. It takes a while for her to realise that everything pretty much looks the same. Ray hadn't moved back the furniture and most of his stuff was still left behind, presumably he hadn't been able to take them with him. There are cobwebs everywhere though, and all the furniture is covered in dust. It felt to her like a ghost house; as if someone had died and taken away all the positive vibrations. But they had both died in a way, hadn't they? They were no longer the same people who used to live so freely in this house.

She moves over to the kitchen. The photo on the fridge is the exact same photo as the one on the cover of her CD and she finds it hard to tear her eyes away from it. They both have the biggest smiles on their faces and his arm is wrapped around her protectively. The photo had been taken at the point in time when they had started being friends and not just roommates. Things had been much simpler then. _When did things become so complicated? _She wonders. Maybe after she got married, or surely the very instance she agreed to move in with him.

She wasn't supposed to fall in love with Ray. He annoyed the hell out of her, was cocky and arrogant and said things that drove her down right insane. He held the power to control her emotions like no one else could; anger to happiness to jealousy in 0 to 60 seconds. He wasn't supposed to be her type. She wasn't supposed to fall for the guy everyone else went for. But if she was being honest with herself, he was the type of man she'd secretly wished for but never dreamt of getting. Yes, she'd most definitely noticed him the very first time she met him and as much as she had tried to resist it, she had fallen for him. It just took the wrong time and place to finally realise it.

Neela moves away from the photo, fingers lingering over it and by compulsion heads towards his room. She'd never really been in it before, bar those few times she'd barged into his room to tell him to shut up playing his music when he knew full damn well she was trying to sleep. Listening to him play the same chords over and over again used to drive her crazy and she smiles at the memory. _He had this terrible habit of walking around the apartment shirtless, _she thinks. _And scattering his clothes everywhere. _She wonders how she coped with it all the while.

His room is typically Ray: a mess, with obscure band posters and a black silk duvet cover. His unwanted clothes and other possessions are strewn across the room and she's surprised to find his guitar left behind. She never thought that Ray's room would ever be a place of sanctuary for her; she'd never liked the smell wafting from it in the first place. Yet somehow she finds it hard to leave. She sits down on his unmade bed and is overcome with the strongest sense of him. She misses him so much, now more than ever, but refuses to cry. Instead she inhales, imagining she can smell his spicy scent, closes her eyes and falls back onto the bed, amongst the dust and memories. She dreams he is right beside her, playing his guitar and singing the most beautiful song about stolen hearts and celebration.

_Our dreams assured and we all_

…_we will sleep well_

When she wakes up a few hours later disorientated and slightly lost, she drops his pillow on the floor in confusion. And gasps.

Underneath it is the t-shirt she had so long ago taken from him.


	5. Chapter Four: Slow Decay

**Slow Decay**

**For my.silly.heart for pushing me for an update! It's been a while, with uni getting in the way, but here's an update, albeit a short one. I already have the next chapter written so that should be posted soon. The song here is "Slow Decay" by Dashboard Confessional**

He can't believe she's gone.

He's sitting on her bed with his t-shirt in his hands and in all honesty, he's never been so confused. What had she meant when she said, "I think we both know why"? Why did she have his t-shirt and why wouldn't she take it back? Most importantly, had she really, truly left, and if so was it forever?

He didn't think things between them could get much worse. Marriages and repressed feelings; he'd never felt so far apart from her. He tried his best just to be her friend, but obviously something had gone wrong somewhere because she didn't even want to be in the same vicinity as him. Maybe he'd been too obvious with his emotions or maybe he was a fool to believe that they could go on living like this forever- a married woman living with the best friend who happened to be in love with her.

He wishes more than anything to have her in a place she doesn't feel the need to run away from. He wants her to see him as the one person she can feel completely safe around, and to him it's irrelevant to whether it was wrong or right to need her, because all he wants, all he ever wanted was her.

_When are you coming back_

_Back where you belong?_

_I swear that it's safe here_

_There's nothing to fear at all_

_If you just come back_

_Come back to where you belong_

Any moment now he expects her to walk through the door and take back her words and say it was all a mistake. But the image of her riding off in the taxi plays vividly in his mind, over and over again. She's not coming back, not anymore.

* * *



She's sitting on his bed, with his t-shirt in his hands and she's never felt as relieved as she does now.

She hasn't seen this t-shirt since she handed it back to Ray, despite his protestations for her to keep it. He didn't know of course how much she loved wearing it. How she wore it just to embrace his scent and a part of him, the part that could never be. Had she kept it, wouldn't that have been wrong of her, to revel in another man's t-shirt and all that it entailed? Moving away from him had been one of the hardest things she ever did. She'd loved living with Ray, and cutting him out of the picture had been a huge adjustment. But if stayed any longer she would have been stepping into dangerous territory. They would have been playing a game that would consequence in pain. _But we played another game and got hurt much worse, _she muses.

She folds and unfolds the top in her lap, conjuring up memories of him wearing it, and how good he looked in it, how much she loved him wearing it, how much _she _loved wearing it...how he chased after her to give it back to her...how he always chased after her, unashamedly, time after time.

And then it hit her: like a prisoner being free from his hundred year contained shackles, she suddenly felt lifted from whatever it was holding her back. All this time, she had vowed she would go and see him, but there was always something restraining her and she never knew what. Until now. Ray had always been the dominant one in their relationship- the one who was never scared to assert how he felt, who had always been there for her. And deep down, a part of her felt that even though the damage done by her was permanent this time around, that he'd still come back and make it better. _He _would come back to _her. _

But of course not. This time it was up to her to get him back, and with everything that had happened in the last few hours, she finally felt like she could.

She was finally going to see him.

_Everything rests on you_

_You know that feeling well_

_The ball is falling, falling, falling_

_So far_

_From a close call_


	6. Chapter Five: I Won't Wait Forever

**I Won't Wait Forever  
**

The song here is Signal Fire by Snow Patrol.

_The perfect words never crossed my mind,  
'cause there was nothing in there but you_

He had faced a lot of challenges in his life and not once had he ever given up on them. He'd seen every one of those challenges through, because to him, challenges were like promises and weren't meant to be broken. Neela was his biggest challenge at the moment and he had to admit that her indecisiveness and rejection of him was making it hard for him to help her, but he held never-wavering faith in her. It was faith that he had never questioned, until now.

_I felt every ounce of me screaming out  
But the sound was trapped deep in me_

He had always been patient with Neela. Always. He'd given her time to sort out her feelings about him. He'd given her space, just like Pratt said. Hell, he'd have gone to the edge of the universe if that's the space she needed to figure things out.

He wasn't inconsiderate, but maybe he was selfish. A part of him wanted her to get over Gallant as quickly as possible. He'd always seemed irrelevant, like he'd never been part of the equation that was the two of them. But now he was gone and Neela had no idea how hard it was for Ray just to let her be. If he couldn't be there for her as a lover, then why couldn't he be there as her friend?

_All I wanted just span right past me,  
While I was rooted fast to the earth,  
I could be stuck here for a thousand years,  
Without your arms to drag me out_

But his patience was wearing thin. He'd seen the way Gates looked at her; eyes filled with lust and prancing around like a hormonal thirteen- year old boy. Never in a million years did he think Neela would fall for that jerk- he was a drip, he was arrogant and most of all he couldn't stand what he represented, floppy hair and all. But Neela…Neela got swept up in him, and whilst watching it happen, he was witnessing everything he ever believed in, everything he ever loved, everything that kept him going- his _faith _fall down around him.

_No I won't wait forever_

And when he saw Gates kissing her, he couldn't tell amongst his heart shattering whether that feeling inside him was sheer hate or sheer love. _Or maybe, _he mused, _betrayal is a combination of the two._

He retaliated. Used Katey as a weapon to mask his pain, and it hit Neela just where he aimed; after all, she had never been quite good at keeping her jealousy intact. For a brief moment it felt good hurting her, getting back at her for throwing everything back in his face.

Nothing was ever going to be simple between them, there was always going to be obstacles thrown at them. Gates was a pretty big obstacle, one that could mean the end of the two of them. There was every chance that nothing could be right between them again and even though he hated that idea, he was sick of fighting for a woman that refused to be loved.

_No I won't wait forever_

The game they're playing gets tiring after a while. He doesn't care about hurting her anymore, and more than anything he misses having her around. So when the time comes for the two of them to spend time together, he grabs it. It's a spontaneous decision to go to the bar after work, and he has no idea who suggested it and doesn't care. All he knows is that for the first time in a long time he gets to spend time with just her.

The conversation is at first awkward. So much has happened between them apart that being together again is downright awkward. The words "Gates" and "Katey" are banned in some unspoken agreement, and trying to find some common ground after all this time is difficult. But then she starts telling him how she got on Crenshaw's nerves again and he starts his usual teasing, and after that all awkwardness slips away. All of the world around them dissolves and once more, it's just the two of them and he's never cherished that feeling as much.

_There you are standing right in front of me  
All this here falls away to leave me naked,  
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety_

Her face grows wistful.

"It's been a while since we've done this," she says quietly.

He doesn't need to ask what. "I know," he agrees.

"I've missed this." He can almost hear the _"I miss you" _hanging in the air.

_I miss you too, _he thinks.

"Listen, Neela." He places his beer down and looks right at her. "I haven't exactly acted great these last few weeks, and in fact I've been quite immature." He lets out a long sigh. "I'm sorry."

She shakes her head. "My behaviour hasn't exactly been stellar either. I shouldn't have tried to push you away as much I did," she says with full honesty. "I've missed having my best friend around."

_The only resolution and the only joy,  
Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes_

She looks at him with big brown eyes gleaming and he can see clearly the look of forgiveness in her eyes, the very same look he knows is reflecting in his own.

And as he places his hand over hers, he knows without a doubt that everything was going to be okay between them.

* * *

Her feet were the ones leading her to him; her mind full of uncertainty, almost every part of her was screaming to go back, that this was all a bad idea and that all would result was pain and heartbreak. But she'd travelled all the way here, hadn't she? She'd gone past the stage of being able to turn back.

Before she set off, she had a heart-to-heart with Abby, who made sure she didn't leave without encouraging words, and with Tony, whom although wasn't the man for her in the slightest, turned out to be a great friend and one of her biggest supporters. But whilst they and everyone else had been a great boost of encouragement, trying to get hold of Ray and telling him she was coming hadn't been. After a while of ringing him, his mother had finally answered and told her that he was out having physiotherapy (although Neela couldn't help but feel this was a lie) and that she'd tell him she was coming.

She plays a million different scenarios in her head.

He could refuse to talk to her, slam the door in her face.

He could get angry, very angry at her, and refuse point blank to forgive her.

Or maybe he won't remember who she is.

Then there's always that possibility he'd be willing to talk.

She doesn't expect him to fully forgive her, or to accept her with arms wide open, because she doesn't believe she deserves it. All she wants is to make sure he's okay and if there was any chance-even the slightest bit that he would want her back, be it as a friend or more, then she would hope for it as much as she could. But right now, she's not setting her expectations too high.

She's still tired from her flight, and her night's sleep at the motel hadn't exactly been comforting. The sky is full of clouds which promise rain, which to her does not stand as a good omen. Walking to his house with directions written on her hand, she feels the whole of her envelop with nerves. This is it, the very moment she's been waiting for, for so long.

His house is rather idyllic- big, with a beautiful porch and garden. She doesn't take any of it in as she walks up the stairs and it's a while before she musters the courage to knock on the door.

Her heart is beating faster than a shooting star and she's afraid that any moment soon her legs will collapse and that she may well melt to the floor.

There's no answer, so she tries again. Still no answer. She's just about ready to leave when the door opens.

It's him. It's really _him._

She doesn't get a chance to fully analyse him; all her mind can process is that she's really seeing him and that he's in his wheelchair.

"What are you doing here?" His voice isn't exactly angry, but it's neither warm nor welcoming.

She doesn't answer straight away, instead trying to find the right words to say.

"I needed to see you." She hurriedly carries on before he can talk, scared that he'll try and banish her with harsh words. "I didn't come here to grovel for forgiveness, because I don't expect you to give it to me, or anything like that. I just needed to see you again and talk to you. After that, I promise I'll leave if you want me to."

His eyes lock onto hers, and there's such fierce emotion there that it almost frightens her. She'll have that memory of his eyes flashing with anger and deep-rooted hurt on her mind forever, but there in the depths of it all, she sees something she never thought she would see: the faint spark of forgiveness in his eyes.

_The only resolution and the only joy  
Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes_

It makes her think of a line from one of the songs he wrote, and she feels something welling up inside her-that maybe everything would be okay after all.


	7. Chapter 6: Miles Apart

**Miles Apart**

Disclaimer: The song is Snow Patrol and Martha Wainwright "Set Fire to the Third Bar" and there are references to the season 13 finale.

This chapter and the one after it does not have Ray's POV in chronological order from the rest of the story, but Neela's POV is and I'm not too fond of the Rap part of this chapter. I'm not sure when my next update will be because exams are looming, but it won't be for a while. Enjoy, and good luck to anyone who also has exams!

_I'm miles from where you are,  
I lay down on the cold ground  
and I, I pray that something picks me up  
and sets me down in your warm arms_

He dreams about a long ago memory.

_He's helping her carry her things up the stairs. As he glances back, he sees she's watching him reproachfully, eyes full of mistrust and suspicion and he just knows she's wondering whether she made the right decision. He finds himself grinning in spite of himself. _

_He gets to his apartment door, opens it and holds it open with his shoulder whilst watching her come in._

_He watches her face fall as she takes in the numerous pizza boxes and dirty laundry scattered around the place and thinks that maybe he should have tidied before she moved in. Then again, maybe not. He doesn't want to give her false impressions or anything. _

"_Welcome Roomie, to my palace."_

_And as he thinks of new eras and all good times that lay ahead, not even her murderous glances could knock out the amusement from his eyes._

The image fades and turns into another.

_She's trapped in a burning building. _

_He doesn't quite know how he knows it, but he does. _

_From within the confines of the hospital, he feels his heart racing and a deep, unsettling feeling in his stomach that something is wrong, very wrong. He drops everything and starts running even though he knows it is miles away to where she is, and he could never get there in time. _

_But it doesn't matter. He runs, faster than he's ever run, but no matter how fast he goes, he doesn't seem to be getting anywhere. _

_Then all of a sudden everything around him sets ablaze; the smoke sending him to his knees and into despair. _

_Suddenly he can make out a figure from several feet away from him, and it's a figure he knows so well. He uses all his strength to propel himself up, towards this figure. When he gets there, the figure stumbles into his arms._

_She says one word. "Ray," and it comes out in a long wheeze. She's covered in soot and is having trouble breathing. She's trying to focus on his gaze, but he knows she's finding it difficult. _

"_Neela?" he shakes her gently._

_She starts wheezing and suddenly grips his spare hand. _

_Suddenly her eyes close and the grip loosens and her body becomes still. _

_And from the dullness radiating from his heart, he knows she's gone. _

_His hands ball into fists and he holds her tighter, sobbing into her hair, wondering how on earth anything can ever be the same again. Without her he is nothing. _

He wakes up suddenly, with his heart pounding and his hands clenched into fists, scenes of Neela dead fresh in his mind. With relief he realises it was only a dream, but it takes a while for the feeling of despair to disperse.

He glances quickly at the alarm clock beside his bed and drags himself out, ready to start his early shift. Automatically his gaze shifts across the hall to Neela's room, as if expecting to see her emerge, but it's not too long before he remembers she doesn't live here anymore. It's going to take a while to get used to that and the bare, empty feeling of their-_ his_ apartment.

The notice he's pinned on the fridge reminds him that Neela wants him to fix her television and he decides to do it before he starts his shift. _Best to get it over and done with, _he muses.

The trip to Abby's house is a solitary one, and it's strange taking this route without Neela with him, joking like they usually did on their way to reunite the Terrible Trio. It'll be the first time he's seen her properly since she moved out, and he's not quite sure if he's ready to.

He knocks on her apartment door repeatedly, and when she finally answers with a "What are you doing here?" he can't help but note her refusal to look him in the eye and the slight flush of her cheeks.

_There's something different about her, _he thinks, and he's not entirely sure that's a good thing.

As he surveys the place he notes with some despair that the apartment is completely tidy with not a take out box in sight. Maybe Abby's place is perfect for her and maybe his meant nothing.

He fixes the tv in minutes; it's a problem he finds ridiculously trivial and he tells Neela so when she returns from the bathroom. She rolls her eyes at him.

"When do you start work?" he asks.

"In an hour."

He nods, hands in pockets. "I'll wait for you."

* * *

_I find the map and draw a straight line  
Over rivers, farms, and state lines  
The distance from 'A' to where you'd be  
It's only finger-lengths that I see  
I touch the place where I'd find your face  
My finger in creases of distant dark places_

"Welcome to my palace," he says almost bitterly as they both enter the house together.

She casts a gaze around the spacious house, noting its extreme tidiness and thinking with slight despair that it's just not Ray's house- doesn't carry the same ambience of their- _his _apartment. The décor is slightly more tasteful than what she's used to, thinking that Ray's mother must be the expert in that area. Her eyes follow to the large L-shaped sofa and observes two prosthetic legs resting against them. They seem so out of place against the rest of the room that she would have found it almost amusing had it not been for the situation.

She turns her gaze back ahead to Ray, who seems unwilling to look at her, and takes a moment to truly observe him. She doesn't look down at his legs- they bring back a lot of awful memories and instead focuses on his face. His eyes are full of deep, dark, unsettling emotion, and she wonders if there is any way to rid him of it. His cheeks are slightly flushed as if he is angered, but then why wouldn't he be? She expected him to be hostile and it saddens her somehow that for the first time ever, he hasn't broken her expectations of him. The deep bruises on his face have been replaced by scars, marking both a physical and emotional change in him. She hates this change in him, even more so because she knows she is to blame, and she questions whether the Old Ray is there somewhere.

It strikes her suddenly that she has no idea what to say to him. All the practised conversations in her head were all flowing and wonderful apologies, yet she can't seem to muster the right words to say to him.

She hesitantly sits down on the sofa, whilst he remains on the other side of the room.

She swallows. "We've missed you."

The words hang in the air and she notes his slight reaction to her words; a participle jerk of his face towards her.

She looks down at her hands. "The ER's been a mess without you actually. All these new crazy people who have no idea what they're doing and only a small army of us left to fight back. Things aren't as fun anymore."

She watches as his eyes grow vaguely nostalgic, and hope begins to well up within her.

It takes her a while before she is able to ask the question she's been dying to ask to start with.

"How have you been, Ray?"

And suddenly the wistful look in his eyes shatters.

He emits a bitter laugh. "Oh just great Neela. The last few months of sheer pain have been wonderful. I do so enjoy my humiliating trips to physiotherapy, but most of all I enjoy having to choose whether to wear prosthetics or sit in a wheel chair all day."

The pain cuts at her where he's aimed.

"Ray I-,"

"Forget it," he says sharply. "You have no idea what the last few months have been like for me. The pain, the humiliation, the _anger. _I _despise _not being able to ever have my old life back, to never know the simplicity of walking on my own legs again. Yet you have the audacity to walk back in my life as if it's okay to pick up where we left off?"

She closes her eyes briefly. "I don't think that, Ray. And I don't think the way you are should compromise the person you are."

"Then why did you come back here, Neela?"

"Because I _promised_," she replies, as if it's the strongest reason out there in the universe.

"Since when do promises mean a thing to you?"

And the words sting, making her remember every time she hurt or betrayed him.

"I never meant to hurt you, Ray, and I'm sorry for all the times that I did."

She watches as his fists clench beside him, his eyes closing briefly.

"You toy with people's hearts as if they're just objects. You held me at the end of a string with little regard to where you threw me, and I foolishly kept holding on."

As he says the words, she can almost hear him saying "_You gave me hope and I like a fool believe you. I waited for you, I trusted you, I fought for you and I even fell in love with you."_

"You're not some kind of object to me, Ray! Is that what you think you mean to me? This, what's between us was never meant to be a game. We weren't supposed to get hurt and I was never meant to lose you. For a long time you were the most important thing in my life, the centre of my universe when my husband should have been. I had to hide that from him, I had to hide that from _you _Ray. I had to push you away because if I had stayed any longer I wouldn't have been able to fight what I felt for you any longer. If I pushed you away it was only because I was scared, _so scared_ of holding you closer than I was meant to."

He moves nearer to her. "Then why did you choose Gates?"

"Because he never made me feel like I was betraying Michael. Tony was never the one who made me feel vulnerable, scared of what I felt. He never knew the right words to make me feel better, nor did he ever have such an impact on my heart." And then she adds softly, "Neither did Michael."

He doesn't have anything to say to that, and for a while the two of them sit in silence. Even though she's so close to him, she's never felt so far apart.

"I can't forgive you." His words hang in the air, and she hangs her head, accepting the words she knew she was always going to hear and like a prisoner starting his jail sentence, she admits defeat.

Slowly, she turns her gaze back to him, and he looks at her properly, his eyes not full of anger or betrayal, but remorse and regret.

"It still hurts," he continues softly. "Every day I hope to get pass the anger I feel, but every morning I still wake up the same. You're not the one to blame for my accident, God knows that it was a hell of a lot of alcohol and bad judgement that got me here, but Neela, I'm sorry but a big part of me still can't help but blame you."

Tears are streaming down her face. "I still blame me too," she says, her voice starting to break. She stands up, frantically trying to wipe away the tears. "I should go- I've wasted enough of your day."

"Neela-,"

She rummages through her bag and when she finds what she's looking for she interrupts him, handing him the small cardboard box in her hands.

"Here," she says, thrusting it at him.

He looks at it in confusion.

"After my accident, I couldn't move, could barely breathe and without you with me I had no reason to. Without you I was nothing, but then I found your CD." She smiles slightly. "I listened to it all the time. I know every single word to every song, every note to your guitar and without it I wouldn't have pulled through. Every time I listened to your CD I wrote you a letter. They're in the box."

He starts to say something and then confusion clouds his face. "I thought that you broke your leg during your accident?"

She looks at him intently for a long moment and then she shakes her head sadly. "It doesn't really matter."

She starts to walk towards the door and stops and turns around to him. "If the day ever comes and you wake up and realise you don't hate me anymore, I'll still be waiting for you."


	8. Chapter 7: Lights Will Guide You

**Lights Will Guide You**

Sorry again for the late update. I've been busy and also been on holiday for the last few weeks. Anyway, thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter, I appreciate it a lot. The song here is Fix You by Coldplay.

_When you try your best but don't succeed_

He was at a complete loss as to what to do. He'd seen Neela in many different phases: angry- _really _angry, jealous, spiteful, sad and then all the beautiful things about her- happy, _really_ happy, caught up in laughter, playful, reassuring and confident, but he'd never seen her like this before. He concluded that Neela hurt and emotionally wounded was something he never wanted to witness again.

The scene of her pushing him away keeps playing in his mind over and over again, and no matter how many times he shuts his eyes and concentrates, he can't erase away the scene. Did she really mean what she said? And if so why? All he'd done, all he'd _ever_ done was be there for her, more than Gallant, more than anyone in the world, and so why the hell was he the one she was angry at?

He wonders where she is and hopes that she's okay. He can't seem to concentrate on the tv and instead pulls out his pad and pen and starts writing down bits of a song that is already starting to form in his mind.

_When you lose something you can't replace_

His phone starts ringing and for a brief moment he thinks it is her, but instead it's Abby.

"Hey Abby," he greets.

"Ray?" her voice sounds panicked. "Ray, I need your help. I can't find Neela."

His eyebrows rise. "What do you mean you can't find her?"

"I mean I sent her home and she was there when I rang her an hour ago and I've just got back and she's gone. I can't get hold of her- and oh God Ray, I'm really worried. What if-,"

He exhales deeply before cutting her off. "Relax Abby. We'll find her and she'll be okay. You stay there in case she comes back and I'll go out and look for her."

Abby thanks him and he hangs up the phone, sighing and holding his head in his hands. Just because Neela was missing did not mean she wanted to be found and by him no less. Evidently she was the last person she wanted to see right now, but he had to help her. With a tinge of bitterness he realises that he's always the one to pick up the broken pieces she leaves behind, and all of it was starting to take its toll on him.

_When you love someone but it goes to waste_

It's starting to rain when he steps outside and he pulls the hood of his hoodie over his head. He takes the El to the hospital and searches everywhere he's ever known her to be there, including and especially the roof, but she's not there. She's not at Ikes drowning her sorrows or any of their usual bars. Nor is she sitting in the park staring into nothingness on some forlorn bench. Abby rings to tell him she isn't at Michael's parents' house and he's stumped as to where she can be. What was the possibility that she was sitting in some church or whatever the holy place for Sikhs were? There were hundreds of churches in Chicago and he wasn't sure about the Sikh temple, but if it were him, a church would be the last place he wanted to be in her situation.

He's tired, wet and it's starting to get late. He decides to head back home at least for now. It was a safe bet to say that Neela didn't want to be found.

As he walks back to his apartment it starts to rain harder and he struggles to see, but as he edges closer he can make out a figure huddled outside the building.

_Lights will guide you home_

"Neela?" he calls out in confusion.

She lifts her head from her knees and looks up at him. Tears and rain have mixed on her face that as he crouches down beside her he can't tell which from which. She is absolutely soaked to the bone and her hair clings to her like a new skin.

"Where have you been, I've looked all over Chicago for you," he says to her gently, wiping her hair away from her face.

She shakes her head softly and doesn't answer.

He asks another question. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to…to…to see you," she answers, stumbling over her words.

Her gaze on his intensifies. "Ray, I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it. I-,"

He cuts her off. "I know." And he did, he understood now. God knows he'd lost someone close to him, knew the hurt, the pain, the betrayal and anger that all accompanied grief. Knew too well the upmost feeling of abandonment that comes with being left behind and above all, that need to away the ones you love the most just in case they too left and broke you apart once more.

"Come inside, Neela." He stands up and lifts her by the elbow and she doesn't protest as he walks them both up the stairs.

…_and ignites your bones. And I will try to fix you_

He sits her down on the sofa and makes her hot chocolate just the way she likes it. He gets some clothes for her that she left behind and said she'd come and get, but never did. She doesn't seem to be capable of changing by herself and he helps her do so, trying his best to ignore the way her skin feels under his touch but loving it anyway. A voice laughs in his head that this was not the way he imagined touching her like this was supposed to go, but when did they ever follow the same script?

Changed but numb she sits staring blankly at the tv that isn't on, the two of them sitting in silence that borders beyond uncomfortable.

She finally breaks the quiet. "Is everyone I love going to leave me, Ray?" Her voice is filled with the same vulnerability as a child's and for a moment he's afraid to answer in case his words break her already broken heart.

"No, Neela. We're not going to leave. _I'm _not going to leave. I promise." He places a kiss on her head and holds her as she cries silently, whilst simultaneously cursing Gallant for choosing his country over his wife. Her head fits perfectly against his shoulder and she eventually falls asleep whilst he soothes her. Not once does he loosen his grip on her, relishing this moment of close contact.

And when he wakes up in the morning she is gone.

* * *

_The first time she heard this song she could pinpoint the exact moment he'd written it for her and knew immediately that this was the song that he'd written especially and above all for her. Every time she listens to it, she falls in love with him a little bit more and treasures the song just like she's always treasured him._

"Neela wait!"

His voice stops her as she runs down the yard and slowly she turns to face him as he wheels out onto the porch.

She looks up expectantly, her heart racing like a herd of wild horses. It's starting to rain but she doesn't even notice, too scared of what he'll say next.

"I don't hate you Neela, you should know that much at least."

She nods her head, not knowing what to say to that.

He carries on. "When Katey said you had an accident, I assumed she meant you broke your leg or something. I was so mad at you, and your accident only made it worse. It was almost as if my accident didn't mean a thing and that you'd got into one as if to show you were the one going through all the hurt and pain. I was so angry for you making it all about you."

Anger flares in her eyes. "Is that what you thought? That I'd got myself trampled on to be the centre of attention? Is that what you _think _of me?"

He shakes his head. "Of course not, Neela. But I was hardly thinking straight. I had lost everything and when it came to you, logic was never in my mind. As time went by my anger surpassed, and Neela you should know that I never stopped thinking about you, not even during my darkest days."

Tears and rain mix on her face, and she desperately tries to wipe them away. She walks up to him, and with his wheelchair situated on the porch_, _he is positioned a head or so above her and she tilts her head upwards to look at him.

"You're the only thing that got me through my accident. You're my reason for getting up in the morning, for making myself learn how to walk again and for searching for a reason to be. Every day without you was another break to the heart and I missed you. I missed you so much," she tells him.

"For a long time you were all that to me."

"But now?"

"Now…I don't know. I feel like I don't know anything anymore." His voice is empty and his eyes full of deep sorrow.

She nods slowly and then emits a bitter laugh. "Is our lives always going to be a series of misfortune?"

He shakes his head. "I hope not, dear God, I hope not."

She holds his gaze and looks at him with a longing she can't repress.

"Do you think there will ever be a day when you wake up and can fully forgive me?"

There's silence for a moment as he struggles to find the right answer.

"Give it time, Neela. I just need time. I can't change how I feel overnight."

She nods her head. "I know," she answers, her voice cracking. "You know I'll wait forever, don't you? God knows you've had to endure me for such a long time. Now it's my turn."

He smiles sadly. "When I'm ready I'll come and find you."

"I'm counting on it."

She leans forward, placing a kiss on his temple before taking one last look at him.

"Goodbye, Ray."

"Goodbye, Neela."

Slowly she walks away, the rain pounding as hard and heavy as her heart. After walking a few steps to set quite a bit of distance between them, she gains the courage to turn around, and he's still there watching her.

And for that she knows there is always hope for them.

_Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you_

A/N: Originally I was going to have Katey lie to Ray about the extent of Neela's injuries, but evil Katey has been done to death, and I thought it was better this way. The next chapter won't have so much angst and should be up soon!


	9. Chapter 8: And I will be there

**And I will be there**

A/N: After much deliberation I decided that this chapter, followed by the epilogue would be the last chapter, as I felt if I wrote more I would just be writing about nothing, as I felt this story was drawing up to its conclusion. Therefore, I would like to say a big thank you to everyone who took the time to read and review this, in particular mysillyheart, who saw this story to completion! This will be my first and last venture into ER fanfic, as I have to admit that my heart isn't in ER as much as it used to be, but I've read a lot of good fanfics, and met a lot of great people, and have been really glad to dabble in this fandom just for that.

The song here is Time by Hemingway.

_I wish I could describe my world before I found you_

In his eyes, she's beautiful.

Every tiny detail, from the way she smiles, to the looks she throws beneath her lashes and the colour of her skin that he never could quite define and above all, her inner beauty that by far outshone any part of her.

And then there was that ability of hers to turn his bad day good again, and just for that he swears he'd have proposed to her at each turn.

The first time, he finds himself escaping to the roof, fed up of screaming patients and even angrier supervisors. Frustrated at them and even more at himself, he feels ready to quit, and he's only a month into his job.

He stares out to Chicago, criticising his choice of becoming a doctor. No one ever believed that he had what it takes to become one, and now it looks like he was proving them right.

The sounds of footsteps makes him turn around and he scowls when he sees it's Neela, convinced she's going to start another shouting match. Instead, she stands beside him and says nothing; both of them looking out into a world that wasn't truly theirs to save.

Finally she breaks the silence. "My first year was the hardest thing I ever endured. I was constantly telling myself I didn't have what it took, and God knows I cried my ocean's worth of tears more than once."

He raises his eyebrow at this. Of all the things he thought Miss Perfect was supposed to be, vulnerable wasn't one of them. But then, wasn't she the one he had found working as a store clerk, running away from her fears?

"How did you get through it?" he asks.

She shrugs. "I just endured it. And then one day I walked in and realised I knew what I was doing and knew how to be the doctor I was expected to be. It takes time."

He nods at this.

"Just remember, for every hundred rubbish patients you get, there will be one patient who's always going to be worth it." She smiles, and with that she is gone.

The second time comes after the worst day he could have possibly imagined. A few months after she moves in, he finds himself enduring a day of a freezing cold shower, an empty cereal box and delayed trains accompanied with the worst coffee in the world, and all that in the morning. After that it's a screaming Weaver, patients who throw up on him, a patient who dies even though he tries his hardest to save her, a patient so screwed up on all the drugs he's taken that he becomes both verbally and physically abusive to anyone who goes near him and what seems to be a hundred ungrateful people who can't seem to appreciate the fact he's trying to help them. When he returns home, he returns a broken man, fed up of what life was constantly throwing at him.

He finds Neela in the kitchen, grinning madly at herself. On the kitchen table is a giant chocolate cake, complete with sparkly candles.

He raises an eyebrow at her. "Are you celebrating taking over the world?"

She swats his arm. "No, it's for you."

"For me?"

"You know, for your birthday."

He looks at her with remark. "My what?"

"It's your birthday!"

He keeps looking at her, and suddenly he's laughing, really laughing at her.

"Oh Neela, it's not my birthday."

She looks confused. "But I thought you said it was today. I even marked it on my calendar."

He shakes his head, still laughing, and she's laughing with him too.

"So did you make this cake?" he asks, remembering the cookie incident.

Her raised eyebrow runs a contest with his. "Do I look like Martha Stewart to you? I bought it from the bakery."

He looks at her with sincerity. "Thank you, Neela. I appreciate it."

She shrugs. "So anyway, I have this really good chocolate cake I bought today. Fancy some?"

"Do you even have to ask?"

She grins, and together they sit on the sofa, in chocolate cake bliss.

"Happy unbirthday, Ray."

"Thank you, Neela."

From angry fathers to abandoned dreams of making it big in a band, from horrible patients to hellish patients, from bad little things to big little things, for the most part, Neela was always there to make sure that no bad day was ever an extremely bad day.

And for that he will always be grateful.

_Time will go on, and I will be there_

_I will be there_

* * *

She was having the worst day of her life.

Drama queen patients and a pile up that had left a family with two little boys all dead, did not equate to a good day. Coupled with the growing sense of claustrophobia that had been eating at her for the last few days, she felt like she was going to fall in any direction, and not quite sure whether she cared if she did.

It had been three months since she had returned from Baton Rouge, and at first she had been composed and above all confident that things would somehow work out. But as those days had turned into weeks and those weeks into months with no word from Ray, she'd found herself slowly falling apart and confidence crumbling. She existed in some sort of limbo state, that though wasn't as bad as her state of mind had been after her accident, was still incredibly flawed. Without him, she was nothing. Without him by her side, nothing seemed all important. She felt like a ghost with no particular purpose, someone who was nobody, but could have been everything with him by her side.

There was a tiny part of her that failed to let go of hope, and it was that shred of emotion that kept her going.

Except, not today.

She stood in the middle of the ER as people rushed by her, struggling to breathe. Everything around her seemed to be crushing her and the world falling in on her. She felt like she did the day of the anti-war rally, with flashbacks of the stampede threatening to send her mind into her overdrive.

_What's happening to me? _She wonders.

She thinks she can hear someone calling out her name but she can't locate the voice.

_I need to get out of here_, she thinks. And with that, she starts running; away from all the people and the claustrophobia, away from everything that should matter but at the moment doesn't.

She finds herself on the edge of the roof, gasping for air, heart pounding with adrenaline. It takes a while for her to calm down and she gazes down to world she can't quite fathom, not sure where to go from here.

She hears footsteps coming up from behind her, and she turns around to face the intruder, wary that it might be Abby trying to help her again.

But the person standing in front of her isn't Abby, it isn't even close.

It's a tall man with dark hair and even darker eyes, who seems so achingly familiar, that tears start running down her face at the mere sight of him. Gone is his wheelchair, and he's standing with the confidence he possessed when he first met her, a smile etched on his face.

She lets out a breath she didn't realise she'd been holding.

"I've had a really bad day," she says softly.

"I know how to turn a bad day good again," he says just as softly, and by _God _does he sound great.

Before she knows it, she's in his arms, and he's holding her tight, tightly, tighter, and she's sobbing into his shoulder, feeling a cathartic release of emotions.

When she gathers herself together, she looks up into the eyes she's missed so much.

"You came back," she states.

"I never had a reason not to."

"I'm glad you did."

And then he's kissing her like he's making up for lost time, and she's pouring the same back, revelling in this feeling of pure joy.

If they got stuck in this moment forever, she'd more than definitely be okay with that.

_Come close so I can breathe you in, and hold you for a moment_

_That I wish could last forever_

_Time will seem to disappear_

_It's fading all around us_

_As we are lost in each other_

_Time will go on_

_And I will be there_

_I will be there_


	10. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

**Flashback scene from the episode "I don't"**

"_This place is pretty kooky, huh?"_

_Her voice startles him out of his reverie, and he turns around to find her watching him intently. _

_He wants to tell her how beautiful she looks, but can't quite find the words. "Yeah, it's pretty kooky. How's it going down there?" he asks instead._

"_Oh, they're getting ready."_

_He hands her the CD he's been holding in his hands. The product of many months work all condensed down into one CD. He hopes she likes it. _

"_What's this?"_

"_It's for you. I started doing a little bit of recording on my own, and it's got some songs I've been working on."_

_He can't help but feel a bit smug when she looks completely awed by it. _

"Please tell me you haven't ditched your job to become a pop star," she says as she joins him at the table in the restaurant, eyeing the CD in his hands.

He grins at her, taking the time to admire the effort she took in her appearance- black curls framing her face, subtle make up and one of those generously proportioned black dresses he never did get tired of.

"You look great," he tells her.

She beams. "Oh really? Well, you look more than okay."

He raises an eyebrow. "Just more than okay?"

She grins back at him.

They'd been together more than a year, and he couldn't quite believe it. After everything they'd been through, he never thought they'd end up where they were. It hadn't been easy, the biggest issue of course being his lack of legs. But sometimes when you've been to hell, the rest of the journey back isn't too bad, and in the end, Neela was above and beyond worth everything.

"I made you another CD," he says, handing her the flat object.

She takes it, and studies the cover, a recent picture of them, and smiles.

"I don't think I can get sick of these," she says.

"And I don't think I could ever get sick of you," he tells her.

She leans over and kisses him.

He can't wait for her to listen to the CD.

He especially can't wait for her to listen to the last track, with an all important question on it.

He'd written a year's worth of songs about her, and knew that he'd been able to write songs for her for next hundred years or so, and in all honesty, he can't wait.


End file.
